a new chapter in life

Well…I suppose all want to know what I’ll be up to in this next year?
I’m not sure why, but letting everyone know, scares me. I’m taking a different path now, and I have no clue as to what is to come. (As a sidenote: This may be part of my personal journey with the Lord..)  In this time, I want to remain so open to the Lord, come to Him and just enjoy Him for all that He is, who He is, what He has done for us, and because He’s worthy.

Have you taken a moment in this life of yours to reflect on how much He has shepherded you over the years up until this point you are in right now? I haven’t done much of that, but I need to. I can remember little things…but if I really look back in this particular sense, I have to say Thank You Lord, and Praise You! Because He really does all things well. I am constantly reminded that He does all things well, that His heart is good toward us and that all things are working together for good because we are those who love Him.

So, here’s what I am doing: I am staying home and not finishing my 4th term of the training. I don’t know who will be shocked, or who will think that I should remain or even, not remain…but I can’t care about your opinion because my hope and desire is that I am one with the Lord, and that this is His desire. I can’t make my own decisions, this has to be His. I’m scared, yes, because I don’t like not knowing what’s going to happen next, but I think He’s doing something. He’s definitely operating. Just because I’m not there, doesn’t mean I won’t get any receiving of His life in me. I hope many of us don’t have the concept that we need to be IN the training to receive His dispensing.  We’re only in the training for a short while. It is there where we get the tools to be able to apply to our normal, daily, Christian living, when we get outside of the training.  I love the training, and I will dearly miss it. Never in my life have I ever been able to be with so many lovers of the Lord, from all over the world to enjoy Him. This is a marvelous thing, to be in this type of setting, to be with these ones, and to make these connections that are eternal because we are all there for the same reason, and nothing, and no one can set up these people in one place all at the same time with so many differences, and backgrounds to be together as one such as the Lord. It is all of the Lord. Remember that. It is of the Lord, that we are where we are right now, it is His doing of where He has placed us. Are we those who remain so open to Him and cooperate with where He has placed us?

I don’t want the enemy to cheat me. he has no right to cheat me of where I am. The hymn that goes “On land or sea, what matters where? Where Jesus is, my joy is there” is very handy at this point. While being at home, helping to care for my mom, unable to have a  salary job, but taking on a full-time job of caring for another person during the day, and cleaning the house, cooking, doing all these domestic things, may I be one who can experience much more of the Lord in my daily living. In the training, we are those limited by many circumstances, even in our daily living, we can be those who are limited. I’m still limited. But this verse comes to mind:
“We are pressed on every side but not constricted, unable to find a way out but not utterly without a way out; ”  2 Corinthians 4:8

Our way out, even in so many times of distress when we realize, again and again, that we cannot escape the life we’ve been given, (no matter how many ways we think we can try) – is only Christ. We have freedom in Him. Remain in Him. Do everything you can to remain in this One. To remain in all that He has accomplished for us, to remain in all that He is accomplishing in us, within us, working Himself into us. If we can do this, remain in our spirit, in this refuge, in this rock, then we are those who are unshakeable, we stand firm. We are steadfast.  We persevere. Whether we fail or fall hard, which we will, numerous and plenty of times so that we can experience His grace and be filled with it again and again, at least, there will be something weighty, eternal within us, but it is only Christ. Christ expressed in me, through me, in my living, in my speaking. This is what I want, and this is what He’s after in us, so that we can be His corporate expression and His bride for His eternal building and dwelling, for His full expression, New Jerusalem,  Zion.

Couldn’t have said it any better myself:

I had a conversation with my sister the other day via text. It went along the lines of her seeing that whether I remain at home this year or I go back for my 4th term of training, I still need to deal with the fact that I’m losing my mom – she may not even last the whole year…

I’m very much aware of that.

But am I really? Am I trying to find all sorts of ways to ignore this fact? I mean, ever since I received the news in my 2nd term (March? April? of 2011), I’ve been coming to terms with it. Or at least I think I am. Or I thought I was… maybe I’m not. I feel like, “oh, yeah, she’s sick again, what else is new?” But,  I realized something today, you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. You don’t realize who you miss until they’re gone. I don’t want to regret. I don’t want to miss out on knowing my mom the last bit of her life. We had a moment today, she was telling me about putting avocado with bread (she thinks that tastes good, and I do too) but then she was also telling me about how her father (my abuelo) used to sort out eggs for her and her brother when they were young. My grandmother, his wife, would also get some. Mom would eat all her eggs up and then eat abuela’s eggs. Abuela always said she would get mad if she did, but she didn’t. Spoiled mom? Loved mom is more like it. I know my mom loves me. She may not have been able to care for me in the best way because of her illness but she loves me. She told me once over a phone conversation that she’s done her best to give me everything I’ve ever needed because she felt bad she couldn’t care for me as she would’ve liked. It’s true. My parents have provided everything I ever needed. I am so grateful for that. I take that for granted so much, though. Now, they’re just focused on taking care of her. It’s not easy. It’s not easy to be home, it’s not easy to be here. There are many times where I feel very much alone. These are the times I need to cling to the Lord, but yet, I don’t do it.  I’m not sure why. I’m aware He’s not going to hurt me. But it’s painful.

I just watched an episode of Private Practice (the most recent one). I’m not really up to date on what’s happening on the show, and I don’t really care, it was just something to do. But at the end of this episode, this dialogue took place and it struck a cord in me:

Addison: “I wanted a baby, and I wanted Sam. And I got no baby, and no Sam, how is that fair?”
Therapist: “You didn’t get this baby, that doesn’t mean you won’t get any baby again.”
Addison: “How am I supposed to believe that? How am I supposed to believe in anything ever again? How is love not enough?”
Therapist: “You have to face the loss, you have to deal with the disappointment.”
Addison: “Don’t want to.”

Now, if I place my thoughts into Addison’s place in this dialogue, it would go like this:

Lisa: I wanted my best friend and I want my mom. I lost my best friend, and I’m losing my mom – how is that fair? (The people most dearest to my heart, abandoning me)
Therapist: – –
Lisa: “How am I supposed to believe in anything ever again?”
Therapist: ” You have to face the loss, you have to deal with the disappointment.”
Lisa:  “Don’t want to”

That’s it. I don’t want to deal with it. I can’t even begin to fathom how to deal with all of this. I’ve been trying, or at least I’ve been attempting to try, maybe not hard enough? I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.
I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. Dealing with it means having lost everything. It’s the biggest pain in the universe.

Yes, we count all things loss on account of Christ, but I’m not there yet. What if I don’t get there in time before it’s too late?

I need to learn to lean on the Lord, but I can’t do this on my own. I can’t do it. I need support. So much support. I’m at a loss when on my own. How can anyone be there though? Sometimes I feel like, being in the Body, isn’t even enough. Forgive me, Lord. But, You have to be enough. You have to be. I’m counting on You to be enough. Sometimes I feel like He isn’t. Oh Lord.

2012 – and so it begins…

Before I came home from my third term of training – I had many things weighing on my heart. Through some fellowship I was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling of being released from much of the weight.

To my great surprise, we kicked off the new year with praising the Lord! What a glorious time this was!

I also realized that I have a new beginning, it’s a new year, it will be a hard year, for those who know of our family situation, but also, I hope, I sincerely hope that much sacrifice of praises this  year would be given to our glorious King. He is worth all our breath. I want to learn what it is to really waste my time on Him, to lean on Him, to let Him speak, and do what He wants through me. I love Him more than ever before at this very moment. It’s not always easy, but He is always there.

Psalm 110:4a “Jehovah has sworn, And He will not change:”

Let’s make 2012 worth it, filled with praise!