I had a conversation with my sister the other day via text. It went along the lines of her seeing that whether I remain at home this year or I go back for my 4th term of training, I still need to deal with the fact that I’m losing my mom – she may not even last the whole year…
I’m very much aware of that.
But am I really? Am I trying to find all sorts of ways to ignore this fact? I mean, ever since I received the news in my 2nd term (March? April? of 2011), I’ve been coming to terms with it. Or at least I think I am. Or I thought I was… maybe I’m not. I feel like, “oh, yeah, she’s sick again, what else is new?” But, I realized something today, you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone. You don’t realize who you miss until they’re gone. I don’t want to regret. I don’t want to miss out on knowing my mom the last bit of her life. We had a moment today, she was telling me about putting avocado with bread (she thinks that tastes good, and I do too) but then she was also telling me about how her father (my abuelo) used to sort out eggs for her and her brother when they were young. My grandmother, his wife, would also get some. Mom would eat all her eggs up and then eat abuela’s eggs. Abuela always said she would get mad if she did, but she didn’t. Spoiled mom? Loved mom is more like it. I know my mom loves me. She may not have been able to care for me in the best way because of her illness but she loves me. She told me once over a phone conversation that she’s done her best to give me everything I’ve ever needed because she felt bad she couldn’t care for me as she would’ve liked. It’s true. My parents have provided everything I ever needed. I am so grateful for that. I take that for granted so much, though. Now, they’re just focused on taking care of her. It’s not easy. It’s not easy to be home, it’s not easy to be here. There are many times where I feel very much alone. These are the times I need to cling to the Lord, but yet, I don’t do it. I’m not sure why. I’m aware He’s not going to hurt me. But it’s painful.
I just watched an episode of Private Practice (the most recent one). I’m not really up to date on what’s happening on the show, and I don’t really care, it was just something to do. But at the end of this episode, this dialogue took place and it struck a cord in me:
Addison: “I wanted a baby, and I wanted Sam. And I got no baby, and no Sam, how is that fair?”
Therapist: “You didn’t get this baby, that doesn’t mean you won’t get any baby again.”
Addison: “How am I supposed to believe that? How am I supposed to believe in anything ever again? How is love not enough?”
Therapist: “You have to face the loss, you have to deal with the disappointment.”
Addison: “Don’t want to.”
Now, if I place my thoughts into Addison’s place in this dialogue, it would go like this:
Lisa: I wanted my best friend and I want my mom. I lost my best friend, and I’m losing my mom – how is that fair? (The people most dearest to my heart, abandoning me)
Therapist: – –
Lisa: “How am I supposed to believe in anything ever again?”
Therapist: ” You have to face the loss, you have to deal with the disappointment.”
Lisa: “Don’t want to”
That’s it. I don’t want to deal with it. I can’t even begin to fathom how to deal with all of this. I’ve been trying, or at least I’ve been attempting to try, maybe not hard enough? I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.
I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT. Dealing with it means having lost everything. It’s the biggest pain in the universe.
Yes, we count all things loss on account of Christ, but I’m not there yet. What if I don’t get there in time before it’s too late?
I need to learn to lean on the Lord, but I can’t do this on my own. I can’t do it. I need support. So much support. I’m at a loss when on my own. How can anyone be there though? Sometimes I feel like, being in the Body, isn’t even enough. Forgive me, Lord. But, You have to be enough. You have to be. I’m counting on You to be enough. Sometimes I feel like He isn’t. Oh Lord.