To Not Understand..

It’s been a while.  I’m not very good at keeping up with this type of thing on a regular basis.  I write when I think it could mean something…

Well, to start off with, not much has been going on. All the trainees left for the training – so all my surroundings are feeling a bit empty, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not in my thoughts.

My mom is feeling better, lots better. Maybe she’s gotten used to the medications in her system…she’s up and walking around as best she can – and looks and seems stronger than a little over a month ago.

I just finished watching a movie called “Though None Go With Me” – if you’ve ever heard the Christian song (at least I think it’s Christian?) – “I have decided to follow Jesus – no turning back, no turning back.” It’s based off of that song. The main characters of the movie are a grandmother and her granddaughter – she raised her granddaughter…and this woman tells the story of her life to her granddaughter (that, in and of itself is very significant) But throughout this woman’s life, she lost her mother when she was young, then her father, then her first love (due to war), and then her son (once she had remarried and had a child).  So throughout her life, this woman’s faith was being continuously tested.  Here’s a woman, who with her first love, commits herself to follow God. Whatever God wanted her to do.  But because of all the people she lost throughout her life, she had to question. She really did.

“Why, God?”

I can’t tell you how many times I asked this when I was still in California and in the training. But it seems even more evident that inwardly, my being is ” Why, Lord?, Why this? Why that? I don’t even understand” My mom seems stronger now, so maybe I could’ve gone back to the training to finish. I don’t know…everyone keeps saying I’m right where the Lord wants me,  but I don’t understand. I can’t tell you that my faith is unwavering, and if we never doubted our faith – then maybe we’re not normal. We all doubt. We all question. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be desperate to find the Lord – but that’s just it – in my case, I’m still bitter. I’m less bitter than I used to be – but there’s some bitterness’s just that it’s less evident when I don’t have x more times amount of pressure like I did when I was in California. I think about how much I miss it, but then I really consider my last term there and realize that I could not have handled another term just yet. So in some ways, it is actually nice to take a break – if that’s what this is – But  because my mom is a bit stronger, and I’m not doing that much, I can’t help but question whether it’s worthwhile for me to be here.

That’s where this hymn comes in – Hymn 346:
“I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know at His right hand
Stands One who is my Savior”

I was watching another movie earlier, called Love Takes Wing – the seventh movie in the Love Comes Softly series, where Dr. Belinda Simpson was bitter towards God because as a doctor, she couldn’t save her own husband. You could tell she was bitter, and that due to what happened, she lost her faith in Him for a while.  She says something along the lines as though she was waiting for God to carry her through – and to her it had seemed that, that had not happened.

I could relate to each woman’s character in both of these movies. Because I am there. This is my position towards life right now. Not confused. But, lost, still at a standstill, waiting on the Lord, learning to be patient in front of Him – but, I have to be able to come to Him. I don’t even have the strength for that anymore. I have the strength for about 5 minutes to be with the Lord, it’s not enough. Is it possible for the Lord not to be enough? We need so much more of Him as we go on in life? As we grow older?
I’m not angry, I’m just, “in limbo” – Feeling like I have no direction in my life. My life isn’t worthwhile. There’s no one here to encourage me to go on and to be strengthened, those who did, are not here. I needed that in a constant way. That leads me onto another topic –
Where is the one whom the Lord wants me to be with for the rest of my life? I know His ways, and His timing is absolutely perfect and as it says in Ecclesiates 3:1  “For everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven” But, I have a need, and feel utterly alone. Another part of the first movie I mentioned- when she lost all those people in her life, she felt like it was meant for her to be alone all her life. However, at the end she realizes that she had helped so many people.

Well, I keep thinking of how I can take care of others, subconsciously. I know that if I had a lot more people to care for, I wouldn’t be thinking so much about my personal life. Not my personal universe, but my personal life.  I’m not surprised – the Lord tests us, and He measures us – that’s part of His way. But still…

Lord, again I ask – if Your heart is good towards me – You have to show me. You really do. Because I don’t see it.