I’ve been wishing to write for a good while now. It’s been way overdue. But every time I’ve thought about writing, I always come back to the thought of needing to write about my mom, but I’m not ready to do that just yet. So, for now, I’m going forward slowly, and forgoing the need to write about her for the time being (but no worries, I shall come back to this – when I’m well and ready- it is a pivotal part of my experience in my human life, not just for me but also for my family, maybe for others too?).
Ecclesiastes 3:1 says: “For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven:”
I’ll begin here. I’ll present to you a timeline of the major events that have occurred this month:
April 4: Mom went to be with the Lord
April 6: Mom’s viewing
April 7: Mom’s funeral
April 10: Had to see the doctor for severe abdominal pain – to find out that I had a major infection and needed antibiotics
April 12: I go on vacation to Florida (to visit the big bro and see DisneyWorld -for the first time EVER) with my sister, her husband and two boys.
April 23: Hospitalized in Florida – cutting vacation short, where an ultrasound was conducted to reveal to me that I had galstones, and that my galbladder would need to be removed
April 24: Surgery takes place
April 25: return home from Florida to rest and heal
April 28: a very dear friend of mine is getting married on this Saturday and I cannot be there because I have to be at home resting.
To say the least, I’m tired of this month. I cannot ask ‘why’ this is all happening, and I may not have any right to hope that things would get better. I’m only 24 years old, and as my mom would tell me often: “you have the rest of your life to live” – so in due time, I expect that there would be more suffering along the way – going back to the training? There will be breaking and suffering there/ going back to school? Oh yes, a great deal there,/ getting married? Having children? All the troubles of human life…there is suffering, pain, sorrow, etc. you name it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter about it, I’m just saying it like it is.
Can my hopes all be dashed to such an extent that I expect the worse and that no good can come of anything that comes along my way? Well, yes, I believe so. Because they have.
For many months now, I’ve been asking what it means to be blessed by the Lord, to be blessed with those who are around me and to be blessed even with material blessings. “What IS blessing?”
I’m still learning this very thing.
I’ve asked the Lord to make me happy, and there are times where I’ve been happy, just a little bit, and our Christian life is such that it should be a happy and joyous life. But I’m afraid I’m still not there yet.
In a few days, this month will be over. I have stood firm on the fact that yes, there is a reason and a purpose as to the Lord’s timing of why things happen and why they occur. I can speak more about that later, when I get more into the details of what has happened this month. But, in the meantime, I just want to point out that this month, surely hasn’t been easy. I’m at a point where I’m wishing, maybe even hoping that something GOOD, or just SOMETHING has to go okay in my life, maybe I can be blessed with love for someone – or, I don’t even know anymore. I’m just, here, right now – all hopes dashed, but still trying to hope… And yet, still, managing to learn to rely and depend on the Lord, because WHAT ELSE CAN you do?
“I have seen the travail that God has given the children of men to travail in. He has made everything beautiful in its own time; also He has put eternity in their heart, yet so that man does not find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to rejoice and do good in their lifetime; Moreover, that every man should eat and drink and taste enjoyment in all his labor; it is the gift of God. I know that whatever God does, it will be forever; nothing can be added to it, nor can anything be taken from it. God has so done, that all would fear Him.”