When my mom passed away, I came to realize that I have a world of options in front of me.
I can choose to do several things:
1. Go back to California and finish Bible school
2. Live on my own by working and supporting myself
3. Go back to school and get my Master’s so I can have an actual career – but it would have to be good for being in the church life…
Seeing as though I’m pretty pessimistic usually, I find it hard to believe I could actually accomplish number 3.
My mom having told me that I have my whole life in front of me, to live, keeps resonating in my being. She was a person who knew how to take care of herself, and how to take care of things in a certain way (but with the Lord with her all the time) – – when I look at my sister, I see those very same characteristics in her that our mom had. Characteristics that I was deemed not able to possess – at least for the time being.
I know that many can say that we learn by doing – – but I feel like, in many ways, I haven’t gotten my chance to learn “to do” yet.
And I have absolutely no idea what to do. Nor am I willing to figure it all out in a rush. At the moment, staying right where I am and not moving seems to be the best option, because if I move a step forward too many things will get thrown my way and I won’t know what to do with it all.
I’ve been reading this book called “So Long Insecurity – – you’ve been a bad friend to us” by Beth Moore (she’s apparently famous, but I’ve never heard of her until I received the book from a relative) I’m at the end, basically, and in a certain chapter she speaks on trusting God. I need to share this because I think we all need to be reminded.
A lot of our insecurities come from our fears – we need to ask ourselves what we’re afraid of and then need to face the fact that we do get scared sometimes. The enemy will use our fears against us and fool us into thinking that we can never do anything because if we do, we’ll come crashing down, therefore causing us to just sit at home and not move. (Sound familiar? As in what I just mentioned a little bit above?)
Anyway, I think that every day I struggle with this decision of whether or not I can trust someone, whether it be a family member, a friend, or a random acquaintance(?) or even the Lord Himself. I ask the Lord whether or not I can trust Him, A LOT, many times in fact. At the end of the day my conclusion is always the same: that the only trustworthy one is the Lord Himself, even despite all the situations that He’s brought my way. I say this not based on the Word (although it IS based on the Word – the facts are there) – – I say this because it’s proven true in the life experiences that I’ve had.
So, here’s what Mrs. Moore says (in several paragraphs):
“Travel the earth and sail the seven seas. Delve into the world’s great philosophies and tinker with its religions if you can risk the time. If you’re candid with yourself, you’ll discover that there is no other constant than God. Nothing else will hold.”
“You know somewhere deep down that there’s got to be a better way. And thankfully, there is. In order to plant our feet on solid ground, we can drop the conditions off of our trust and determine that God will take care of us no matter what.
Let me say that again. No matter what.
I’m not saying that it’s easy. I’m stating that if we want to be secure people, this mind-set is a necessity. Sometimes trusting God means taking no further action. That’s when a verse like Psalm 46:10 speaks loudest: “Be still and know that I am God.” Other times trusting in God means regrouping with Him until the fog clears so we know how to take the next step. Nothing can mislead us or make us jump the gun faster than fear. For times like these when action is necessary but not obvious, Proverbs 3:5-6 hits the nail on the head: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take” (NLT). ”
So…can I do nothing and regroup with Him (i.e. spend time before Him, seeking His face, and being infused with Him…) and just let Him carry me in waves of trusting in Him? – – And I have to ask, Can you?) I’ll admit – – I’m not sure I can, and you’d have to admit, you’re probably not sure either. But Lord willing, we ought to attempt to, or at least confess to Him that we’d like Him to work out this trusting in Him business in us.
Having a world of options in front of you concerning the rest of your life is a huge deal. It’s daunting and brings about fears that you never thought you’d have to face. And those big scary questions (that I probably should have been asking when I was in high school and not now…) of “What are you going to do for the rest of your life? or “What does your future hold now?” – – doesn’t necessarily help when in your mind that’s all your plagued with.
So, I have no idea what to do – where to go, how to do or be, but I do know that I’m at my wit’s end of having to think about all of it. Therefore, I’d like to stop, rest, and continue learning how to be before our God, so that I can trust Him – – because I don’t know what my next steps will be – – I don’t exactly know what He’d like of me, and how I can be one with His will – – but I’d like to trust Him, because He knows EXACTLY what He’s doing, and I don’t.
“Trust in Jehovah, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
Delight yourself in Jehovah, And He will give you the requests of your heart.
Commit your way to Jehovah, And trust in Him and He will act.
Be still before Jehovah, and wait for Him;”
– – – Psalm 37:3-5, 7a (RcV)