One of my favorite group of verses in the Bible is Isaiah 40:28-31– –
28. “Do you not know,
Or have you not heard,
That the eternal God, Jehovah,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Does not faint and does not become weary?
There is no searching out of His understanding.
29. He gives power to the faint,
And to those who have no vigor He multiplies strength.
30. Although youths will faint and become weary,
And young men will collapse exhausted;
31. Yet those who wait on Jehovah will renew their strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles;
They will run and will not faint;
They will walk and will not become weary.”
In my 2nd term (semester) of the training (Bible school), I sang verses 29-31 with the study notes A LOT. I still remember. I was learning the tune. It was in this term that my heart broke. I had just found out that my mom was re-diagnosed with cancer. That’s the formal way to say it. In practical terms, the cancer was back. She wasn’t going to fight it this time. The medicines weren’t going to work anymore. Her body was already weak and fragile, that to take any medicines or treatment would kill her. Why do that to herself? I understood. It was her decision. We all had to make peace with it. She was told she had six months to a year to live (in September of 2011)- she passed away within the six month period.
It hurt, to find the news out and the way I found out, it wasn’t directly through them (my parents). It was through someone else – – some saints, dear to me, one in particular, who I was already having issues with, who also hurt me. I’ve forgiven that person since then (and no, it had nothing to do with the news about my mom), BUT nonetheless, I was hurt, I was broken, I felt like I couldn’t move or go on. I was amazed to have gotten through that term. These verses, this song, supplied me the whole way through.
Well, with my mom’s passing, I think everyone else realizes more than I do, that I’m more broken, more hurt, that one of the closest people to me in my entire life, has left me. Though I try to not feel abandoned, sometimes I do…I know she’s in a good place and not suffering anymore, but it hurts. It will always hurt. It hurts less now than it did (exactly) seven weeks ago, and with time it’ll get better. But it hurts. I miss hearing her say “I love you too” every time I told her that I loved her. I miss being able to give her a hug or cuddle with her. I miss that one time she took me down the hallway from her bedroom to the kitchen as I was helping her walk and she did a little jig (a little dance) with me. (Thank you La for teaching me to be spontaneous in that respect, for had I not had THOSE times with you, I wouldn’t have been able to have that special moment with my mom and enjoy it)
It’s hard for me to write about her, the emotions well up and I cry, but I need you to have the context of where I’m about to lead to:
There is healing in His wings. ( I read this statement in Beth Moore’s book, the one I mentioned in my previous post) And I can’t get this statement out of my head for the life of me. I’m not struggling with what I’m doing in the Fall term. My intention is to return to the training – – and there is healing in His wings. I keep thinking this. I’m going back, not really expecting anything but KNOWING that there is healing in His wings. I have to trust that. I need healing. I’m doing surprisingly well for a person who’s broken inside and doesn’t really feel that way. I know I’m broken. I know I need healing. But I’m not scared. I want to be healed.
So, the study note for ‘wings’ in verse 31 says: “The eagles’ wings signify the resurrection power of Christ, God’s power in life, becoming our grace.. Those who stop themselves and wait on Jehovah will experience the power of resurrection, will be transformed, and will soar in the heavens.” I want to soar. I want the fullest enjoyment of my God when I go back. And here’s the thing, I can have that. There’s nothing weighing me down right now. Nothing.
The burden of caring for my mom is gone. The burden of having someone on my heart is lifted. There is nothing keeping me from being able to fully enjoy and receive all that the Lord will give to me in the next following months. I’m so happy for this. So so happy. I’m “free” in a sense.
There’s the consideration of where I’ll go to graduate school, and the process it’ll take, but that’s not a burden, because I’m so excited about where the Lord might place me. I may have to relocate, but it’s really exciting to not have any ties to here, and to be free to move, and to know that my family will support me 100% as long as I have the Lord’s leading – but more on that later. That’s kind of a ways away.
Right now, I’m learning to wait on the Lord for His timing. Right now, I want to be open to His healing.
“He heals the brokenhearted
And binds up their wounds.”
” But He was wounded because of our transgressions;
He was crushed because of our iniquities;
The chastening for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we have been healed.”
“And He said to her, Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be well from your affliction (be freed from your suffering, NIV).”
And a list of scriptures of waiting, not sure what version, it’s not RcV, but if you’re like me, you’ll look those up after reading the list: http://www.timesofrefreshing.ca/resources/waiting%20on%20god%20scriptures.pdf