Unexpected ending! But why?!?!

Sometimes I do silly things like watch a movie past midnight – like I did tonight, The Vow.  I had been wanting to see it plus a friend mentioned I should (but I forget why she told me I should?!?). But anyway, the point is, this movie did not give the typical, predictable ending that you would expect. It gave, a real, genuine “this is how things really are” kind of ending. 
The movie basically presents how a couple is married, happily in love, until a tragic event happens – car accident, in the snow. She’s coma-induced by the doctor’s wishes to help her brain’s swelling go down. So, what happens when she finally wakes up? She doesn’t remember the most recent 5 years of her life. So she basically has to learn how to love her husband again. Well, at the end, she they aren’t really married again, but that’s not the point. The point is, at the end the movie was based on this couple that this literally happened to! And so, this woman had to start all over again. 

So, I’m not recovering from an accident, or trying to regain my memory back, but I was kind of reflecting on the time that I spent at the support group a few days ago, and some of these persons were trying to explain how they felt after their loved one died, and they didn’t have the words for it. I kept thinking to myself if I had had the words to explain, but couldn’t get them out because I was crying really hard, and it’s hard to talk when you’re crying that much. Anyway, this is how I told it to a few people: I felt like I died. The person I was when I helped care for my mom, or that part of me that grew up with seeing her go through so much (at least the part that I could observe and comprehend) died. It left. That person left. So, I’m this empty shell, waiting to be filled again. And I know, that I’m supposed to be filled with the Lord, but for some reason, sometimes it feels like He isn’t filling me. He isn’t being satisfying to me. But that’s not why I’m writing this actually. I’m relating how I feel to this movie. It was as if she had the opportunity to start over again, kind of. And so, I don’t exactly understand the period that I’m in at the moment, but I feel like I’ve had to take tons of steps backwards, and I’m learning to move forward step, by step. One day at a time. One minute at a time. 
I listen to music on the radio or on my pandora station, and although that should be satisfying to me, it’s not. It’s just there, because this is what I knew before my life felt like it all blew up on me. It’s what is safe, in a sense. 
Anyway, starting over, that’s what I have to try to do. Start again. Baby steps. In order to move forward. It’s the unexpected. But then, what we expect to happen, never really does in life, now does it?

My thoughts for the night….


What is it to be supportive? or to have support?

This is what the free-online dictionary says:


tr.v. sup·port·edsup·port·ingsup·ports

1. To bear the weight of, especially from below.
2. To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping.
3. To be capable of bearing; withstand: “His flaw’d heart . . . too weak the conflict to support”(Shakespeare).
4. To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen: The letter supported him in his grief.
We’ll just stop with 4, for now. You get the point right?
Why am I talking about this? Because, lo and behold, yours truly had the opportunity to experience her first support group today. It was interesting, in a good way.
The result was that I don’t mind going back again. I keep *faceplanting* and going *doh* in my head, realizing that I could’ve saved myself so much trouble had I started doing this sooner. But I didn’t. I wasn’t ready.
There were fourteen of us there, and I was the youngest person, but you had people who had lost their siblings, or spouses, or children, from a range of years ago, one year ago, or even, 2 months ago. Why did I have the stigma of it before? I have no idea. I don’t know why i put myself through so many concepts of how I should be feeling or how I should be over something like this, but hey, let’s look at the facts. Losing someone in your life, a loved one, more specifically- one of your parents. It’s not easy. It’s something you live with for the rest of your life.
The session was held in the hospice center that my mom passed away in. It brought back some hard memories after not having been there since the day she left us.
So I cried while there, in front of people I didn’t know. I never do that. I mean, I can, and sometimes, I do. But yeah, I cried. And I cried hard, – when was the last time I did that?!? …There was no judging, only acceptance, that we were all there feeling some type of loss, and it was OKAY to cry hard, it was OKAY to talk about the memories of caregiving, and it’s OKAY to have those moments where you are really sad. Grieving is a process. And I go through things each day that cause me to reflect that I’m still going through this process.
And, so..for all you folks who keep asking me about taking meds, or getting counseling, or therapy, or going to support groups. If you need it, my OPINION, is, go do it. It doesn’t hurt to get help.
There’s a booklet I read “The Mystery of Human Life” – Where it tells you about the parts of man, and how man has three parts, and how this is seen in the Bible, more specifically, in the New Testament, especially in 1 Thessalonians. Well, those parts of man, where it talks about the physical (the bios), the soul (psuche) and the spirit (zoe) and the words in parentheses are in Greek. This booklet mentions that if you have physical needs, and if you’re sick physically, you would go and see a doctor right? And if you have issues with the soul, or mentally, then you’d see a psychologist right? So, God deals with the matters of our spirit, while practically, we have people in certain professions who help us with the other parts. And, so, I’m happy to say, that it’s okay to get the help that you need, if you need it, if you feel you need it, and work on getting better.
Besides, our Savior came to save the sinners, heal the sick, lead the blind (gospel of Mark) and so forth.
So, let’s be open to Him and  let Him do His job in helping us, in our spirit, soul, and body.

Getting lost in the rain/ growing pains

On June 18th, I had a mini adventure of getting lost in the rain, thus the title of this post. 
I promised a friend, G, that I’d write a post about it. So here it goes:

It was a sunny morning, and my sister dropped me off at the train station to catch the train back to my next destination. I get there, and I’m supposed to take the bus to a friend’s house (she’s a mom with two girls) and of course, it begins to rain. Before that though, I had decided to go where we had placed some of our belongings for storage, close to our former apartment complex (I’m still sad I had to leave those apartments) and fix my humungous amount of luggage because I was set to fly out the day after that to another destination. Summers are filled with so much travel. Such is the life right? 

Anyway, I did that, and walked to I can’t remember where for lunch, and then realized it was an intense downpour outside, so that led me to have to purchase an umbrella, because I didn’t know it was going to rain, and I didn’t have a jacket, even though I already had an umbrella in one of my suitcases which i left in the building where several of my boxes were stored. 

After that, I waited with my suitcases for the bus. First of all, if it’s not the bus you take to the airport, there isn’t really a place for you to put your luggage. Second of all, it was still raining, and I got off at the wrong stop. So I’m walking, and getting soaked because when you’re lugging a bookbag, and two suitcases with almost 80-100 lbs altogether, you have no hands free to carry an umbrella to just keep your head dry. Well, everything and me got soaked, and then I had to call my friend to come pick me up to stay at her house for the night. Hah, what an adventure that was. Albeit, I wasn’t happy. I yelled and cried at the Lord, because I hate getting lost and taking public transport, and living in the city. I’m pretty content at home where I’m originally from, where everything is within 5 minute radius of all that I could ever need. 

But… Everything turned out fine at the end. After that night, where I didn’t sleep well because I had a plane to catch, (i never sleep well the night before having to travel ) I took the bus again, a lot easier this time, to the train station, to another bus and to the airport. Grand total of an hour and a half, still not bad, unless you have almost 100 lbs of luggage with you. And yes, my friends, i’m not exaggerating. 80 lbs was the two suitcases put together, it must have been a little more with my bookbag and such. 
But again, anyway – I made it through, and made it to my destination, and then a few days later I got sick, probably due to getting soaked in the rain. I blame it on that. And I can’t blame anyone but myself, because, well, how was I supposed to know it was going to rain that day? 
But it’s a learning experience right? My sister helped talk me through some of it – I’m grateful that everything turned out well at the end, but realizing more and more that I have a lot more experiences to go through just in my human life to grow up. 
A lot of people like to tell me i’m young, even though i’m 25 years old. It really annoys me. It also annoys me when people call me ‘cute’ – but that’s another story for later. 
When people judge you as young and small, but they’re not open to you actually growing and letting you grow. I want to grow, but you all need to give me the space to grow up. 
And growing up is PAINFUL. Let me tell you. Like when a kid has growing pains because he’s getting taller – hello, it’s like that for us who have to grow humanly, not just physically and spiritually, and the like. 

And there you have it. My story of getting lost in the rain. 

Losing faith…(?)

contemplating, musing, thinking, talking to the Lord,

contemplating, musing, thinking, talking to the Lord,

I started reading over a previous post (that I wrote) from the beginning of 2012 O_o

Seriously, am I in the same place all over again? So, this really IS a cycle? Why is it longer? When will i get to where I need to be?
Sigh. So, it’s true, it’s not that i’m doubting, but i’ve lost my faith –
Again Lord, show me that You love me, that You’re really here by my side. I can’t keep walking through my life without that sense.

Starting over

So, one of my former roommates mentioned to me that I had stopped singing – i don’t sing as much as I used to, and well, it’s very true. I think I entered into the bitter waters there, and still am in it….but, I want to start over- very much, really really so! So, to commemorate the occasion or desire to start over, I switched the blog theme again, it’s more ‘me’ don’t you think? Not so plain, that’s for sure.