Sometimes I do silly things like watch a movie past midnight – like I did tonight, The Vow. I had been wanting to see it plus a friend mentioned I should (but I forget why she told me I should?!?). But anyway, the point is, this movie did not give the typical, predictable ending that you would expect. It gave, a real, genuine “this is how things really are” kind of ending.
The movie basically presents how a couple is married, happily in love, until a tragic event happens – car accident, in the snow. She’s coma-induced by the doctor’s wishes to help her brain’s swelling go down. So, what happens when she finally wakes up? She doesn’t remember the most recent 5 years of her life. So she basically has to learn how to love her husband again. Well, at the end, she they aren’t really married again, but that’s not the point. The point is, at the end the movie was based on this couple that this literally happened to! And so, this woman had to start all over again.
So, I’m not recovering from an accident, or trying to regain my memory back, but I was kind of reflecting on the time that I spent at the support group a few days ago, and some of these persons were trying to explain how they felt after their loved one died, and they didn’t have the words for it. I kept thinking to myself if I had had the words to explain, but couldn’t get them out because I was crying really hard, and it’s hard to talk when you’re crying that much. Anyway, this is how I told it to a few people: I felt like I died. The person I was when I helped care for my mom, or that part of me that grew up with seeing her go through so much (at least the part that I could observe and comprehend) died. It left. That person left. So, I’m this empty shell, waiting to be filled again. And I know, that I’m supposed to be filled with the Lord, but for some reason, sometimes it feels like He isn’t filling me. He isn’t being satisfying to me. But that’s not why I’m writing this actually. I’m relating how I feel to this movie. It was as if she had the opportunity to start over again, kind of. And so, I don’t exactly understand the period that I’m in at the moment, but I feel like I’ve had to take tons of steps backwards, and I’m learning to move forward step, by step. One day at a time. One minute at a time.
I listen to music on the radio or on my pandora station, and although that should be satisfying to me, it’s not. It’s just there, because this is what I knew before my life felt like it all blew up on me. It’s what is safe, in a sense.
Anyway, starting over, that’s what I have to try to do. Start again. Baby steps. In order to move forward. It’s the unexpected. But then, what we expect to happen, never really does in life, now does it?
My thoughts for the night….