On this road…

So…I moved back home, for who knows how long. I have my reasons for it. Number 1 on the list is mainly to get my life back on track. I would watch in movies and TV shows about how people who had tragic accidents, impairments, or people who had to go into rehab would have to get their life “back on track”. For example in the movie “Follow the Stars Home” with Kimberly Paisley, the girl who plays the daughter’s friend has a mom who is so bereaved about losing her husband that she turns to drinking, and eventually has to go into rehab. She gets out by the end of the movie, but of course, they have to work at it, and she has to get her life in order again. 
It’s a good movie, and I’d recommend that you’d watch it, because it does more than show that. But for the purposes of my post, I am focusing on those scenes. 

Everyone deals with grief differently. And, maybe you don’t want to hear me talk about my grieving so much, and that’s okay. But I’d like to tell you about my experience of talking to a bereavement coordinator today. We talked about a lot of things in the one hour and fifteen minutes I was there. 

One, I’ve never done anything like this before – and I’ve never had a reason before to go and see one until my loss. We talked about how grieving is a lifelong process. Even my dad and I talked about that last night. When you lose a loved one, it’s not something you get over. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You learn to live with the loss that you have. You never get over it. Over time it gets less and less painful, but missing the person you love will always be there. 

But I’m encouraged, that my bursts of anger to friends, and my craziness won’t last forever. I’m encouraged that talking to her today, made me feel like I’m on the path of getting my life in order again. What it was before my mom passed away, was one way I had my life, and now, I have to get it back in order. She encouraged me to make lists, go to a support group, write in a journal, do artistic things, and so forth. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. She also encouraged me to make some goals, like working on my cooking skills, and exercising, and the like. 
I definitely want a healthier lifestyle – and it all seems pretty overwhelming but one step at a time, like my friends like to tell me. One step at a time. One piece at a time. 
It’s okay. I’m starting to believe that it’s okay, and that everything is going to be okay. It’s going to take a lot of work to get to where I want to be, and I’m working on that part, to figure out where I want my life to get to. And though sometimes I feel like time is running out, because maybe it is especially since the Lord wants to come back soon, this is something I need to do for now. Get my life in order to some extent. That doesn’t mean quit on Him, but letting Him into the getting my life in order. Maybe I’ll join a dance class, or a zumba class, or fencing, or pottery, or…oh the magnitude of ideas that could be forming in this head of mine! I don’t know what I’ll do. But for now, it’s fun to think about. I have a great opportunity she said. And when you take everything we talked about today and put it into perspective with my mom telling me that I had the rest of my life ahead of me….when most people are trying to get married, have babies, and find a career…I’m just working on taking care of myself, because I need to. I need to focus on me for a bit, however wrong it sometimes seems…for healing to take place this has to happen. And it’s okay. 

I leave you with a tidbit of something that she told me today: “God is love, and God gave you love through your mother…and since love is a gift – the sadness and….that come with missing that love is also a gift. “
Or it was something to that effect because I’m horrible at remembering things sometimes. But anyway…

Image

this is the road I’m on. The path I’m on, for the time being. And i’m determined to be okay with that, to enjoy it, and learn to be happy again. 

Like someone emailed me yesterday said “Your joy will be made full”
And she was right – eventually, my joy will be made full again.

~L

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