I picked up my Bible today. And I opened it to Psalms, and then to Genesis, and then I remembered Ecclesiastes.
Someone told me yesterday, that in her deepest low, one day, she picked up her Bible, and sat it in her lap, and the Lord was happy that she was able to do at least that much.
I received an email today, where this one told me that the Lord is happy with us, as long as we treasure and love Him.
Many people that have seen me grow, since either I was a child all the way to now, or since I started college and beyond…have told me that they see that I have had a rough, and hard several past years.
Is it true? Yes.
But I don’t think many people realize the struggle that I have within myself, most all of the time. Several months ago, in April, when the one year anniversary mark for my mother’s passing hit, if I could get up out of bed, shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, and then go back to bed. It was quite the accomplishment for me.
The fact that I read nearly 3 chapters of Ecclesiastes tonight after not picking up my Bible for 7-8 months. Well, that’s also an accomplishment for me.
It’s baby steps. It’s one step at a time. It’s piece by piece.
It’s like learning to crawl, or walk again.
On Wednesday, when I saw the bereavement coordinator, she told me that it takes a whole lifetime to restructure your life. It’s going to take me my whole life to figure out how to, on the one hand, care for myself and love myself so I can be useful to the Lord, but on the other, in the spiritual sense, learn to deny my soul-life, my self.
It can be quite overwhelming. It can be quite confusing.
I picked up my Bible tonight, even though it’s really late. I read nearly 3 chapters of Ecclesiastes. I read about how Solomon saw that everything is vanity under the sun, and a chasing of the wind. And I could actually relate. I’m not satisfied but I’m still trying to do things to get myself satisfied.
I was told that the Word of God, the Bible, is a healing word. If I start reading it again, maybe the Lord can have a way to heal and satisfy me. I can only find out by taking those small steps.
And again, I repeat. I actually picked up my Bible and read it tonight. That has to count for something. It’s an accomplishment. And yes, i’m proud of myself for doing at least that much.