…I must sing again!

When I was younger, I loved to sing. When my mom passed away – all the joy I felt in singing had disappeared. I haven’t much sung since then, but I was reminded of this song tonight:

“There is a song within me;
It’s a song of Jesus moving
In the gardens of my heart.
This Jesus lives within me,
Planting flowers of Himself
There to be watered by my Love.

I’m loving Jesus, this lovely Person
With personality so strong.
He brought me to Himself
And said to me, “All of your heart’s desire
is found in Me;
I’m all you need and I love you.”

There is a peace within me
That has sprung from deep contentment
With my Lord, who’s All in All.
For my delight is in this
Living One inside of me
Who is Himself, my everything.”

Source: http://www.hymnal.net/en/hymn/ns/119#ixzz32yknQGRo

This song, reminds me of the joy I need to feel again from singing to my heart’s content. Who fills my joy? The Lord Jesus does, who else? The love from my special one, shown to me through the small things. The love from my dad, from all my friends and so forth.

If you’ve never sung to your heart’s delight before, I suggest you try it.

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Motherless Daughters – a book

It’s always a while before I write on here again. I have this particular fascination with a set of pens that I haven’t received a new pack of yet and feel like it’s necessary for me to have them before I can write in my personal journal (the one where you handwrite) and by the way who actually has time for that anymore? Not this girl…or so I think. 

Anyway, I figured since Mother’s Day is approaching, I’d speak a little on how I just, out of the blue and spontaneously bought a new book, called “Motherless Daughters, The Legacy of Loss” – the book itself has existed for quite some time, but no one has ever told me about it until today. A friend, who’s currently on a trip to Europe write now, Facebook messaged me an article that the author of this book wrote a few years ago. Man, it sure would’ve been nice to know SOONER that groups of motherless daughters and this book existed, but alas, now that I’m seemingly moving on with my life, it’s high time I read this book?!?

And for the record, in case you were wondering, which you probably weren’t, and I’m going to tell you anyway, only one person, a co-worker, has actually asked me what I’m doing this mother’s day, since she knew about the fact that I’m motherless. I appreciate that she asked since she was the only one who has done so. It means that she cares. I very much appreciate that. 

And, here’s an excerpt from the book:

“Mourning works like any series of cycles: One ends and a new one begins, slightly different from its predecessor, but with the same fundamental course. A daughter who loses a mother does pass through stages of denial, anger, confusion, and reorientation, but these responses repeat and circle back on themselves as each new developmental task reawakens her need for the parent. Say a girl of thirteen loses her mother to a heart attack. In the midst of the initial shock and numbness, she grieves to the best of her ability at that time. But five years later, at her high school graduation, she may find herself painfully missing her mother and grieving all over again. Years after this episode she may be back in the mourner’s role again, when she plans her wedding, or gives birth to her first child, or gets diagnosed with a serious illness, or reaches the age at which her mother died. At each milestone a daughter comes up against new challenges that make her long for her mother’s support, but when she reaches out for her, the mother isn’t there. The daughter’s old feelings of loss and abandonment return, and the cycle begins again.” 

I am learning that even though I feel like I have stopped grieving – this is not necessarily true. I’ve experienced many changes in the last year and during the time since my mother has passed, and even though I don’t express much and I don’t cry when I think of her, and I don’t think of her as often as I did when she first died, there is still that need for me to have my mother’s support, and with every life transition, whether it’s getting a new job, having a boyfriend, wanting children, etc. she is not there to guide me, to love me and to help me through it all…there’s that sense, all over again, again and again that she’s gone. 

I guess you could say, I’ve chosen to take care of my heart by reading this book to tell me that there are others, who completely understand, what it is like to be motherless. It is with you for the rest of your life. It changes you, it makes you a different person from the one you were before your mother passed away and when your friends and relatives don’t understand, at least, others who are in the same position as you though not the same age as you, do understand that change. 

 

 

 

That determination factor..

There’s this story that my parents used to tell me, about me. I was a little girl, and when we had a den, there was this couch that we had that I liked to climb. So, one day I kept jumping on it, or climbing it, determined to get to the top of the couch (which was almost like a shelf top) and determined to stay on the top. I kept falling off of course. My parents had watched me and were impressed that I kept trying to reach the top until I finally did. And then I sighed with relief. 

Apparently, that determination factor is still in me. I experienced that today. I wanted to call it stubborn-ness, but actually, it wasn’t necessarily that. It was determination. There are times, when I set my heart to do something, it will indeed get done, because there are those instances in which I refuse to give up. Like today. 

I was working when we got the news from our owners that we would close early. Work ended at 12:15pm, at which point I left. I didn’t realize the extent of how bad the weather was at this point – having started snowing at 10am, sticking to the ground and making sludge and sleet, and ice. I went on my way, only to realize that the roads were indeed icy, and putting my mind to be set on the fact that it would take several hours to get home. What normally takes me about 15 minutes to get onto the highway, took me 2.5 hours or a little over. Upon entering the highway, I did fine, it was when I switched highways where my car glided from left and then to the right almost making me hit a railguard – thank the Lord that didn’t happen! I was able to brake (not hard or fast) to prevent any movement, put my car in reverse (before any cars could come) and move forward again in drive. 
A little while later, I almost got stuck again – halfway through my drive (at 15-20mph on a major highway) I got to a patch of icy road, and almost veered to the left and right again. Of course, I’m pressing on my brakes again, with emergency lights on as there were tons of cars still around me. I had to wait for many of them to pass before I could do reverse again and move forward in drive again. Those times are pretty scary – especially since my windshield was freezing due to the fact that there’s hardly any heat in my car. It comes on and off, and when it’s on, doesn’t last for long, this time, it didn’t do too much. It was pretty cold. At this point, my entire body was starting to freeze. 

I had to call on the Lord many times, because without the Lord with me, I couldn’t have made it. I could’ve called my dad to come help me, though I wouldn’t have wanted him to try and get through the huge amount of traffic, that is even still going on right now. I could’ve also been in a whiny, complaining, type of mood and been like ” why me, Lord?!” But I chose not to, because i was DETERMINED to get my bottom home where I could rest under the electric blanket, and stay warm. 

Determined – that’s where I was at tonight, and knowing that the Lord was providing His care, and protection, makes me feel so entirely blessed tonight. Thank You Lord!

Signing off, 
Miss L.M.M.

Knitting nancy

I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time now: how I used to have a mushroom shaped knitting nancy. I only recently found out what the name was through searching for summer camp activity ideas for work this summer. Part of the process to do summer camp at my job is to fill in 3 months worth of activities, field trips, etc. in a calendar and submit it to my boss, and to others who are overlooking and considering the decision. There are a number of us at work applying to work for summer camp. I’ve never done this before, but I know that I’m not gauranteed a job for the summer – so I have to do my best to give myself the best chance at continuing work with summer camp. I really do hope I get it – I don’t know what I would do without my time filled with working and without money if I didn’t get a placement.

Anyway, continuing on, I found this nifty idea about making your own DIY knitting nancy by taking paper towel/toilet rolls and popsicle sticks. You can decorate however you want, and use it the same way as you would any other already made knitting nancy.

Here are a few photos to show what I am talking about:

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Apparently, it is of something called French knitting… and you can expand from two prongs, to four prongs, to many more to make all sorts of neat things. I’m shocked that it has taken me this long to realize that the actual name of this is called, but at the same time, really excited. I’m looking forward to this type of activity with any group of kids willing to make it with me.
DIY knitting nancy

In the coming days, when I have a chance, I’m going to look more into the projects that are associated with it, it’s a good thing for kids to do, and since inwardly, I’m such a kid at heart (even act like one sometimes, OOPS!  O_o…), it’s good for my soul too.
Also, I’m interested in finding a Russian doll type of knitting nancy! Won’t that be fun? oooooh, this girl is so excited about this!

Have a great night!
Signing off –
~ Miss LMM

A folk song

So, at some point I should write about my journey of being an assistant teacher and working my way on the career path (to which I had no ambition to attain to before) to becoming a certified teacher in this state; but until I fulfill the necessary steps for this to happen… Here’s a folk song for your entertainment!

While I was growing up my mom used to sing snippets of this song- how in the world she knew this beats me. However I think it has to do with the fact that once upon a time before she knew The Lord Jesus she would sing and dance on stage in the town where she grew up… Mother of mine, she was never shy! I get that from my father’s side….

So here, have a laugh, I sure am having one to this song tonight!

“we’re going to Kentucky”

And the lyrics:
lyrics to this folk song

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Oh! Silly mama, how I love thee 🙂
Signing off,
Miss LMM

Cheers to a new year!!

Not that I should have one but my one resolution is to attempt to write in my personal more often than a couple days a year.

I hope every one had a fantastic first day of 2014! The last two years have been hard on me but even though we can’t endure without the sufferings I’m hoping for just a little more joy this year than the last two.

-LMM